Kill me now – Poem

Opening the pages of time
Captured moments dance around my head
I still beg the question now
Why am I not dead?
Here I am now middle aged
Yet still I’m fucked up
The devil didn’t offer me a sip you see
He made me drink the cup
Decades pass people and go
Stuck on this endless road
Did I ever taste victory
Deep down I doubt it ever showed
What kocks me down then picks me up
Is a false willing to go on
The baron wastelands of my youth
Like hope have all long gone
Every five years or so
Hope brings a glimmer to my eyes
Yet like my demon I somehow mess this up
Inside my heart still cries
Friends, family all sell me out
That much I can see
The promising youth my grandparents adored
Is a broken man to me
Can I make my parents proud?
Will I do something that will make their hearts swell?
Or will I continue on the path I chose
And condemn them all to hell
I have lived almost half my life
Yet I have not amounted to much
A reversal of a Midas fortune
I break everything I touch
Now I look down at the road
Another chapter has ended
Truth now needs to be said
For too long I have pretended
So forgive me god and curse my sins
I do not want you to witness what I will do
But if I have any chance to meet my beloved again
Then I have to see this through
I’ve lost all hope, I’ve lost all faith
They did all this to me
But they never thought that this bastard would come back
That much they did not see
So I remove all that I care and love and embark there once again
To familiarise with the feelings that I love, death, fear and pain.